Hello again! We continue our journey looking at behaviors. This post is dedicated to why we see behaviors result as a means of attention and how to address them.

This is a big one, isn’t it? I think there are sooooo many reasons that people (not just kids!) display a behavior for attention. I actually like to think about adolescents and teens when considering this topic. Many teens know that something might be against the rules or that it is unhealthy or wrong, but in the moment, that attention from peers is a motivator. (Also, their brain is not fully developed. But still!)

So let’s think about all kids. Children even in their baby years are constantly doing things to get attention. This is oftentimes how they learn: babies do something cute, we respond with praise and general oogling and they are reinforced to do it again. They learn that “Mom gives me attention when I do this”.

Just remember this concept as we continue to discuss ways to address these behaviors: child does something, parent reacts, child gets attention.

Types of Attention

It is important to know that there are two types of attention that can be given when a child displays a behavior: positive and negative.

Negative Attention

We often think that negative attention should negatively impact a child and prevent them from doing it again, right? Maybe. But maybe not. It depends on the child and their developmental level and situation.

Young children or children at a lower developmental level may enjoy the reaction, even if it is negative. For example, one year old bites your shoulder, you exclaim, “Ouch! No thank you! That hurts Mommy! Please don’t do that again.” Has anyone ever done this and then the child laughs in your face? Me. “Anyone” is me. Luckily, I quickly realized that tactic was not going to work.

Also, for some kiddos, negative attention is better than no attention in their minds. This is a sad thing to think about, but it is true for any child that might experience trauma or experience very little positive attention. Some children act out just to be noticed.

Positive Attention

When a child receives positive attention, it could present itself in a number of ways like praise, one on one time, recognition of peers. The idea is that it reinforces a positive behavior. This is a little more straight forward than negative attention.

However, one thing to keep in mind is that the child might need positive attention even when we don’t feel like they “deserve” it. We as parents and caregivers go about our days and give out our attention where we see fit. We get caught up in our brains and time frames and agendas. This is not just one type of parent, we all do this!

But remember that positive attention could contribute to reinforcing a positive behavior, even if it is something you just “expect” the child to do.

How to address attention-seeking behaviors

Alrighty, so a child displays a behavior that is not desirable. It is helpful to look at what happened directly after the behavior to see if they unintentionally received [any type of] attention. This could be from a peer, a teacher, a parent, an aide, a therapist, a sibling…

When you approach these behaviors, attempt to remove the attention after the undesirable behavior and provide the attention during desirable times. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? But we all know how this actually works when our emotions come in to play.

If the child’s behavior is not harmful, and you are able, you could attempt to planfully ignore the behavior. Here is an example that is “easy”, but also hard in the moment. Your baby is in the high chair and he throws his sippy cup and spoon. You pick it up, scoff or say, “no no no!” This might be a real fun game for him. Instead, you could maintain your course of action and even direct your attention away from the child. Then at other times, provide LOTS of positive attention during appropriate mealtime behaviors.

Here are some tangible ways to try to redirect away from behaviors that attempt to seek attention:

• Break tasks into small parts and provide bursts of praise or positive attention between tasks.
• Provide intermittent moments of undivided attention and specific praise throughout the day. “Wow, I love how you color on the paper.” “You are so helpful when you play with your brother. Thank you.” Also, when you do this, watch the sense of pride that appears on their face. It surprises me sometimes and reminds me how impactful positive attention is for children.
• Teach them or model a way to ask for attention. Try suggesting they say, “Excuse me please!” I made the beautiful mistake of teaching my daughter to say, “I need some attention!” when she is acting out. This has been fun… but actually effective. And she is starting to do this before big behaviors.
• Provide a tangible amount of time for when they can have your attention. “I have a timer set for Mommy time. When the timer goes off, I will be ready to play with you!” You may have to work up to a certain amount of time. Remember that kiddos have a poor concept of time, so a few minutes may feel like forever. But if you start by introducing the concept with only 15 seconds, they will feel ok with this ask.
• Again, ignore if appropriate and possible.

What if the child’s behavior is harmful?

I mentioned before “if the behavior is not harmful….” and then you can try to ignore it. But what about when it is harmful? There may be an alternative reason that the child is demonstrating these types of behavior (not just for attention). These might be sensory seeking or escaping behaviors. Regardless of why they are displaying them, it will be important to not reinforce with attention. As calmly and neutrally as possible, provide them with an alternative behavior and keep them safe. Also see separate posts for more ideas.

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What do the children in your life do to seek attention? How do you address it?